And I knew, it would never be easy.
It had been almost three years, and I love someone whom I never met, even once. Now, it’s time to meet the man behind the pictures I keep looking at before I sleep at night or even when I feel so lonely, and I badly needed to recharge myself to regain my happy mood back.
I could feel my hands sweating as my knees started to feel like wobbling. I checked my phone a hundred times, waiting for him to say that he’s finally at the place where we’ll meet. I tried to imagine myself, wondering if I looked so probinsyana with the clothes I’m wearing, the color of my skin and even my hairstyle. I still don’t have any idea of his reaction. Would he stay in love? Or would he finally realize that I’m just someone that made his three years light, that he could easily turn his back on me now?
Two days ago, I was still in Bicol, busy trying to figure out the words I’ll have to utter when I finally see him, his smile, his gestures or even hear his voice for real. I kept contemplating whether I should be discreet, or should I hug him instantly because it’s what I badly want to do.
I am bombarded with questions. I wonder if what we have virtually could be passed through reality. I wonder if, after this day, I would still get to receive a message from him, with his usual sweet texts of I love yous and the likes that always makes my heart beat fast.
My friends told me, it’s a make or break moment. If he changed the moment he saw me, I should prepare my heart and move on. If he didn’t, lucky me that I have a real boyfriend from now on. It’s not that I don’t classify him as my real boyfriend, he is a real boyfriend for me. But it’s different with what other people say. I was in a long distance relationship with someone whom I never met before, and that somehow hurts to hear them say that.
I breathed heavily and wiped the beads of sweat on my face as I recount the times I cried for the man whom others say as someone who is just an imagination. He is my happy smile. The reason why I get up every morning while fighting the urge to put myself into deep slumber back in the days where I have no one but him. He is that man that made me feel the spectacular feeling of being in love, the man who gave me butterflies in the stomach even if he’s away. He is that man that could calm me down when all I feel is anger or despair. He is that man, and he is not just a mere imagination. What we had is real. I felt every single heartache, I cried every tear, laughed every laugh and hated anything that is hateful. I’ve felt jealousy and the tinge of possessiveness whenever girls try to pursue him. He’s mine, even if I haven’t met him.
He is my everything, and I would never consider that as a mere product of my wild imagination.
And just as I was about to check my phone again, it vibrated. I saw his name registered on my phone, signaling me that he’s calling. I fidgeted and answered the call with my trembling hands, and my heart almost went out of my chest.
“Hello?” I mumbled.
Seconds tick from my wrist watch and his familiar voice filled my ear, “I’m here.”
I won’t fully trust anyone ever again. That’s what I told myself. That’s what I intended to do before you came. I often hear you say that I broke down your wall, that wall that protects you from the misery that the likes of me could give to you. I often hear you tell me that I’ve become your world, your everything, your life. If you only knew.
I knew that this might sound like a confession, another cheesy line, another blabber, or just another simple gesture to make you feel special. It might look like that, but please hear this one out.
Once upon a time, there lived a grumpy young poet.
He writes poems about his broken heart.
He reads things that would further break his heart.
He suffers silently.
He hates things silently.
He only trusts the world he built inside his mind.
The world where he can pretend to be happy.
One day, he read something that made his heart skip.
He honestly even believed that time stopped.
For in that story he read that day,
lies a more broken heart.
He searched for her.
He found her.
And as he started to know her more,
Something he doesn’t want to feel again began to grow.
For in her,
he could see his self
And as time goes by,
He fell in love.
To that writer, to that girl,
Who suffered the same way he had.
Good thing she fell in love with him,
Good thing she felt the same way.
For she cured all his wounds,
even if she is far away.
Yes, there is a great distance between them.
Between the grumpy poet, and his writer girlfriend.
But he didn’t care, and he didn’t care at all.
Because he found true love with her,
something he never felt before.
He learned to trust again.
Trust that comes from love.
He learned to smile again.
That unshameful kind of smile
He learned to love someone who is countless miles away.
He learned to love that girl in every way he can.
As I took each step closer to you, I still rehearsed things I should say. But all I could think of was how you made me feel.
I wouldn’t fully trust anyone ever again. That’s what I told myself. That’s what I intended to do before you came.
I often hear you tell me that I broke down your wall, that wall that protects you from the misery that the likes of me could give to you. I often hear you tell me that I’ve become your world, your everything, your life. If you only knew.
If you only knew, that it’s the same way I feel, the very exact way I feel because of you.
I let you break down my wall, that wall that should have to keep you out. I let you in. You’ve become my world. My everything. You’ve become my life.
My every single heartbeat.
I took out my phone. I called the number under your name. Your voice sent shiver to my spine. You are the only one who could do this to me.
And with a wild beating heart, trembling voice and a smile on my face, I said, “I’m here.”